Monday, December 27, 2010

Mind Blowing

Giraffes have extremely long tongues (up to 20 inches), and penguins can swim really fast (up to 20 mph). But I want to talk to you about something important...... jungle gyms! The very first jungle gym was seen in 1920 by a lawyer named Sebastian Hinton. You are probably asking yourself this question "why on the earth would a lawyer invent something like this"? I asked myself this same thing, and could only think of one thing..... they are pretty awesome, and if I was in court all day trying to stick it to the man, I would definitely need a break to go climb around on some shit, legally of course.
There are so many types of jungle gyms it is hard to keep track of them.
One can only hope to have an idea as great as Sebastian Hinton's.... it really is mind blowing to think that this would have been such a huge success back in the 1920's... I wouldn't hesitate to say that the jungle gym is the the reason why the 20's were called the "roaring 20's"! Yeah, think about that!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

When life give you lemons....

It has been a while since I have updated this, too long! I apologize for my absence, but I have a story to tell....
Recently my ipod was found after a long and grueling process of searching. When I found it, I discovered that it was broke and needed some 'fixing' in the upward direction. I have been trying to weigh my options and nothing seems to make sense with me. I was deeply troubled. So I went to Facebook with this problem thinking "surely, somebody in my network of friends will either a) be able to fix it themselves or b) know of someone to fix it. Because I do not have an 'ipod guy', and clearly I need one of those.
So I post on Facebook asking for assistance with my ipod and I get a couple responses but then, something happened. At the time I was like "why is this happening, I want my ipod fixed, lets not get off topic here I need answers!" The topic of getting my ipod fixed slowly transpired into an awesome event tonight around 12 a.m. when a fire took place amongst me and a couple dear friends.
What we can learn from this is..... sometimes things in life don't go the way you want, you don't always get the questions you want answered, you don't always get your ipod fixed! Sometimes things take a turn in another direction and it can rock your world, or.... OR.. you can just roll with it and make lemonade. You wanted an answer to your ipod problem, you got a fire with some friends! I love fire!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


Oh are you surprised? Well let me just run down this detailed list as to why Chartwells is now on j champayne's axis of evil.......
1. Your lunch ladies are facebook stalking me. There are two of them that facebook stalk me and openly admit it in the cafe when I see them! There is one in particular, she is engaged and has a kid..... the plot thickens right? She keeps messaging me on fb, and I am making it known that I am not egging this on in any way so she doesn't get any false hopes or ideas or anything.... its just too damned creepy if you ask me! I am at a loss for this particular subject right now so on to my numero dos!
2. I witnessed a fight in the cafe tonight... this wasn't your ordinary fight either, this was between two girls! I'll do you one better....CHINESE girls even! And guess what?? NO karate was used either, it was like I was watching two white girls fight, pulling hair and slapping! There goes that stereotype that all Chinese people know karate! Turns out the reason they were fighting is because, one girl said to the other that her man was cheating on her... the guy that is supposedly cheating (also a chinamen, works for chartwells) was right there in the midst of this heated battle and was trying to break it up! I couldn't really understand the Chinese dialect they were speaking so I don't know exactly what happened, I only know Mandarin unfortunately... but anyways back to my point! Although the fight was entertaining and quite possibly made my night..... I don't go to the cafe to be a spectator at a fight club, I go for the food! So this needs to be addressed asap before someone dies and then we are all in trouble!
3. The food, up til spring break was surprisingly awesome! But then after spring break, something happened and.... well to be quite honest, the food, for lack of a better word, has been shitty to say the least! SUB PAR if you will.... so we need to fix that as well!
So these are just three that I mentioned.... three of many, on my list of bugaboo's from Chartwells! I am almost to the point where I don't even want to go into the cafe anymore.... it is no longer a comforting environment.... all I have to say is thank goodness its the end of the school year!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Happy Place???

We have all heard the phrase "go to a happy place" or "find your happy place" or my personal favorite "picture your happy place" ...... ummmmm.... right! I have talked to a lot of people about this and their happy place consisted of being with their friends and family! That sounds about right doesn't it? I mean, I am happy with my friends and family.... but what about their happy place?? They can't be in our happy place meanwhile we are in their happy place, we can't be in two places at once! Lets face facts, you aren't going to split time with happy places either "oh here, come into my happy place for a little while, then we will go to yours" uhhh NO! This is like sharing custody over a child and we all know how that can be difficult real quick right?? Right? Not pretty.... nor fun! So this "happy place" could be a real problem.... how about we call it a common place where you and all your friends and family could meet and be happy?? Well my friends there is such place as a 'common place' ....... and that is how 'common place' was invented!

Sunday, March 21, 2010


Dear Cadbury,
I received a care package from my mother recently and in that package were some of your "creme eggs", I have been a fan of these before. BUT!!!......... As I opened the box the egg was in, I got the egg out and began to 'attempt' to peel the foil off! Now I say 'attempt' because that is what it was exactly, an attempt to peel and tear away this excessive amount of foil. I mean, it took me around 15 minutes to peel away every piece of foil from the egg! It isn't like a couple large pieces of foil either, I am talking dozens and dozens of small pieces that were stuck to this egg. I mean is it too much to ask for, that you people wrap your eggs with a) either less foil or b) another material to wrap with!
On the bright side, I know what I will be giving my kids to shut them up and keep them busy for a long period of time, yes that is correct!!! Effin Cadbury creme eggs!! They will be entertained for hours trying to peel them and rid them of your stupid glued on foil! It is totally a big deal because I am not a fan of eating foil, it hurts my teeth for some reason when I chew on it! The last thing I want is for me, or anyone else I know of, to begin chomping away at this egg and then eating some foil along with some chocolate and creme! That really puts me in a tizzy when stuff like that happens! THINGS THAT DON'T BELONG 1. Foil on chocolate in your mouth! And fyi, the foil covering on Cadbury creme eggs is now on jchampayne's axis of evil!

Friday, March 19, 2010


Dear readers,

I would like to inform all of you that the following conversation that took place at 5 p.m. March 19, 2010... was between Evan Freeman and Jordan Payne! Now, friends you may ask yourself... how on earth did this topic arise??? Well to be completely honest I don't really remember BUT, I can disclose to you that it did arouse my faculties. I have always wanted a legendary party, one that would always have a place in history and one that everyone would remember, just like the Boston Tea Party! Now what was the Boston Tea Party? Read the following conversation and maybe you will figure it out......

Jordan: I have always wanted a party, like the Boston Tea Party... cuz it was remembered by everyone!

Evan: First off, ummm tea blows! I don't see what the big fuss is! And to be honest, it sounds like a lame party. I hope these guys were drunk, because otherwise there would be zero fun involved! If it wasn't for the political significance of the ordeal, these guys would come off as total douches for doing this!

Jordan: I can see this now.. a bunch of angry Americans in a meetinghouse and then a lightbulb goes off in someones head that says to another in the meeting "hey, this meeting sucks... you know there is a ship full of tea right? Just right there on the harbor! AND...I am pretty sure we could liven this town up a bit by throwing every single barrell of it overboard"! "And we can call it, a tea party haha"!!

Evan: I am going to have to disagree with this anonymous figure that you just created! I don't know who this guy is.. ummmmm but he is being pretty inconsiderate of the fishes. Cuz you got a harbor that tastes like shit, I'm sure the fish don't appreciate it. And in turn, it will change their taste.. then you are changing the whole economy cuz people dont want to buy fish anymore! They aren't going to want to buy "tea tasting" fish! I don't want fish sticks that were dipped in tea!

Jordan: I love fish! I hate tea! But I also like cinnamon... which means nothing! History also says that these men dressed up as american indians before storming the ship and chucking the barrels overboard! Where was the law at when this occured? No police? No British soldiers?? Where was everybody? Maybe they were just standing in a local pub, looking out on the harbor thinking "Ohhh noooo, they're rioting again"! "Maybe we should just let this one go, they look like they are having fun!"

Evan: How is there not a more precise number of how many "indians" are throwing them over? I suppose I could understand, if I am a British soldier, and I see 320 indians on a boat who clearly have as much hate for tea, that I do! But if there is just 30, they are not doing their job, and they are not doing the Brifish any favors! And by Brifish, I mean the British and fish!

Jordan: This was one hell of a party, it was like a costume party/riot! You know come to think of it they must have been drunk because the person that was running the meeting prior to these shinannigans, was Samuel Adams.... yes just like the booze! This party sparked the American Revolution. Who saw that coming? I mean really Britain, it was just tea! You shouldn't try and bring that crap over here because I don't know anybody who likes tea! If anyone was to blame for this party, look in the mirror!

Evan: Long story short, too many people died over tea! I'll bet you why they were grumpy.. cuz they didn't get their tea... one dead person is too many dead persons for tea.. PERRRIOD!

Jordan: "They're throwing out all of our tea you STUPID AYASSSSSS"!!

Friday, March 12, 2010


Ok can someone please explain to me this Papa John guy?? I mean, let me just break down a couple of his commercials....
Commercial number 1- The man throws a football like 60 yards.... totally possible I know, but not for this guy, he is a pizza man, GET REAL! He threw it right on the money too, it was a bomb, I just find it hard to believe he could do that without properly stretching and warming up for a few minutes! He is not going to hop out of his car, deliver a pizza, and then throw a Doug Flutie hail mary right on target... Grow up! and now..........
Commercial number 2-The basketball game scene... what game was he at that they just let him on the court to shoot a commercial? Why was everyone cheering so much? I find it hard to believe he brought enough pizza for everyone as well... i mean, people are going to get pissed if he didn't, I know I would be upset.. but that is neither here nor there! About the commercial, ummmm... did he miss a shot?? No he didn't... GET REAL! He made a half court shot and a three pointer like nothing... again, I find it kind of hard to believe this man carries around so much luck with him! I have made very few half court shots on my first try, and when I say very few I mean like one time, maybe two!
Now friends, you may ask yourself "Jordan, I don't see what the big problem is"... first of all, that isn't even a question! Second of all, I just don't think they should make Papa John out to be some freak athlete! I mean sure he makes a damn good pizza but, GET REAL!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


It was brought to my attention that "The General", yes the icon for the auto-insurance, is actually a driver. EXCUSE ME?! This man can't even see! a) his helmet is too big for his head b) his eyebrows are completely covering his eyes so he can't see, I mean God forbid you trim your eyebrows every once in a while, let alone you shouldn't wait until you cant see anything. Now just why in the hell would I want my insurance company to have an image like that? What is that saying about me?
It is simply stating that "hey, you have the general auto insurance so that means you are an s-h-i-t-t-y driver"! You will be categorized as a "not good driver", you must suck. If that insurance company allows the icon of the establishment to drive while his visibility is at no more than 0%. Look at this damned fool..... moral of the story is, be careful who is representing you, because you will be categorized whether you like it or not!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Fire alarms!

I was just in the zone writing another blog until, to my dismay, I hear a loud beeping! I am like "what is that"? So I pause my music, here the obnoxious noise, I see the silhouettes of people running by my door and the gloom sets in... could this be?? YES! It's a damn fire alarm, we have to now exit the building into the cold weather outside for a while! So whoever pulled that... I'm puttin you on notice and guess what all you ass goblins that pull fire alarms?? You are now on j champaynes axis of evil!
Now friends, where did fire alarms come from? Who is the pioneer/innovator behind this contraption? Well let me just tell you.... Francis Robbins Upton did it in 1890! So yes, Francis Robins Upton, you are now on the axis of evil as well, congratulations! And thank you, for making such a convenient, not loud or annoying at all, piece of plastic with a lever that practically invites damn near everyone who walks by to pull it... it does say "pull down", I mean God forbid we make them boring or disguised so when we walk by we don't have to make a life alternating decision..... "Do I pull this, possibly get caught and commit a federal offense, or just keep walking"??

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


Well well... lets see here Hamburglar! You know I wondered about this guy from day one! Of course he is Ronald's friend, just another managing to hoodwink people in a food establishment, unbelievable! You think you are safe in the surrounding of your friends... not when we got an escaped convict on our hands that steals and speaks jibberish! There really isn't much to say about a dirty pirate like this except, don't drop the soap.

Now Grimace.....

Next we have Ronald's right hand man... none other than Grimace. He has a record of "theft" that stacks up to the roof, he used to steal milkshakes all the time. Has an unnamed mother and father (weird i know) and a grandmother named Winky. Not to mention, Grimace is extremely clumsy!! Which is a threat and deep concern to anyone in the vacinity. congratulations Grimace, you are now on the hot seat as well!

First off we have, Ronald McDonald himself. What a creepy clown.. I don't really like clowns to begin with so this man is already on my bad side. He just looks evil, and speaking of, has anyone even seen this man around anywhere? He just disappeared, like a horse in a glue factory. Quite frankly I don't trust a man who just disappears. Cool? Yes! Somewhat concerning? Absolutely! I've got my eye on you Ronald!

Puttin You on Notice McD's

ISo I am sitting here thinking like, there are icons for everything out there in the world today. If you think of something, a face associates with that image. In particular, as I was in deep thought..(I say deep thought, but really it just popped into my noggin here) guess what comes to mind?? Now friends, not only what comes to mind but who?? Well let me just tell you... Ronald McDonald and his gang. What a scraggly bunch of hoodrats we are associating McDonalds with. Lets break these scalawags down shall we? And I am going to do this in sections so bare with me hear... but lets begin this in depth break down bit by bit!

Friday, February 5, 2010


I was just thinking back on a past experience in my life.... July 25, 2003. Mission Beach, San Diego, California! People were going crazy.. why you ask? It's simple, sandcastle competition. This years winner was going to be in next months issue of "Sandcastle Grandiose". It was my dream to be in such a spectacular publishing! I had been laying out and totally cogitating my every blue print, this was going to the most majestic exhibit anyone had seen.
As I was saying, that day I began to build this beautiful piece of architecture. For 3 hours, 180 minutes I was out there laboring away like a mad scientist on his innovative new robot! IT WAS COMPLETE! But to my dismay, I turn around for 10 seconds looking for the judges to come, and what do you know? This little shit of a kid (fat and around the age of 9) was all up in my sandcastle like he was Godzilla coming out of the damned Sea of Japan terrorizing, just absolutely mutilating my masterpiece!! I wanted to choke the kid... but he was overweight, and fortunate for him, he was too young to lay an absolute merciless smack down on! So I threw, what was left of my castle, in his face and let out a bellow to display my anguish!! That didn't help... so I just went home in utter shock!
Having said that..... guess what overweight children who ruin sandcastles (and anything else someone builds) you are now on j champayne's axis of evil!! thanks a lot, i love rebuilding things after it just took me half of my day to make that one, you animal!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

on the hot seat!

well well... if it isn't justin beiber! I hear someone mention his name today, so I am like "what the hell is a Justin Beiber"?? Now friends, you may ask yourself "how could you? he is only a child"? That's exactly why I am calling him outright now, wait til you go through puberty young man, then lets hear you sing like that! I am just sayin, little kids can sing, it is only when they go through that adams apple stage where you find out where your true talents lie.. then maybe I will be impressed! Good day

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


As a new edition to my blog... I am going to start developing a lil some'm some'm called "j champayne's axis of evil". Pres. Bush had one so I can have one as well, and guess who is going on there first??? Ill be damned if it isn't the teletubbies!! Look at these a holes, dancing in someone's garden it looks like to me... NO DICE! That pisses me off actually as a matter of fact! Im puttin you on notice teletubbies, you are now on j champayne's axis of evil! Dont smile, thats not a good thing you little jerks!


I find it a little funny that our winter seasons length is depended on whether a groundhog sees its shadow or not. Personally a groundhog isn't the most trustworthy animal. For instance, the human is an enemy to the groundhog along with fox's and bobcats! If Punxsutawney Phil has humans on his "enemy" list then why on earth should we trust him to forecast our winters length!
Plus groundhogs are lazy, they love to sleep, winter is hibernation time, and if groundhogs are feeling like they need more sleep (which odds are 92.5 percent of the time they do like to sleep longer) then of course he is going to claim he sees his shadow and oh what do ya know?? another 6 weeks of winter!!! That is just great, thanks Punxsutawney Phil you are now a part of Jchampayne's axis of evil.

Monday, January 18, 2010


I have always been curious as to why people started breaking sentences down into just letters, or just being lazy... I have used them so yes I am just as guilty as the next person in society! For example this morning, I had to meet with my coach. This is a long walk across campus, I am not a good judge on distance but I'd say it was about 13 miles. It was freezing outside, and also foggy..
So I was just thinking "where did this come from? what the, fog"??? I thought that was funny because WTF could stand for my previous statement, WTF = what the fog?
People can get so confused and twisted and turned with all of these acronyms, which is exactly why I make up my own, to build on this confusion!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

here it is

So this is my first blog... I will certainly try and keep it updated on my time spent here in Hays, Kansas! On things I learn, observe, and just whatever I'd like to because hey.. this is the jchampayne blog zone! I will keep you on your toes, random is key! This is just my introductory statement, I am just forewarning you of the awesomeness that awaits, and lurks around the corner for you scalawags!