Sunday, March 21, 2010


Dear Cadbury,
I received a care package from my mother recently and in that package were some of your "creme eggs", I have been a fan of these before. BUT!!!......... As I opened the box the egg was in, I got the egg out and began to 'attempt' to peel the foil off! Now I say 'attempt' because that is what it was exactly, an attempt to peel and tear away this excessive amount of foil. I mean, it took me around 15 minutes to peel away every piece of foil from the egg! It isn't like a couple large pieces of foil either, I am talking dozens and dozens of small pieces that were stuck to this egg. I mean is it too much to ask for, that you people wrap your eggs with a) either less foil or b) another material to wrap with!
On the bright side, I know what I will be giving my kids to shut them up and keep them busy for a long period of time, yes that is correct!!! Effin Cadbury creme eggs!! They will be entertained for hours trying to peel them and rid them of your stupid glued on foil! It is totally a big deal because I am not a fan of eating foil, it hurts my teeth for some reason when I chew on it! The last thing I want is for me, or anyone else I know of, to begin chomping away at this egg and then eating some foil along with some chocolate and creme! That really puts me in a tizzy when stuff like that happens! THINGS THAT DON'T BELONG 1. Foil on chocolate in your mouth! And fyi, the foil covering on Cadbury creme eggs is now on jchampayne's axis of evil!

Friday, March 19, 2010


Dear readers,

I would like to inform all of you that the following conversation that took place at 5 p.m. March 19, 2010... was between Evan Freeman and Jordan Payne! Now, friends you may ask yourself... how on earth did this topic arise??? Well to be completely honest I don't really remember BUT, I can disclose to you that it did arouse my faculties. I have always wanted a legendary party, one that would always have a place in history and one that everyone would remember, just like the Boston Tea Party! Now what was the Boston Tea Party? Read the following conversation and maybe you will figure it out......

Jordan: I have always wanted a party, like the Boston Tea Party... cuz it was remembered by everyone!

Evan: First off, ummm tea blows! I don't see what the big fuss is! And to be honest, it sounds like a lame party. I hope these guys were drunk, because otherwise there would be zero fun involved! If it wasn't for the political significance of the ordeal, these guys would come off as total douches for doing this!

Jordan: I can see this now.. a bunch of angry Americans in a meetinghouse and then a lightbulb goes off in someones head that says to another in the meeting "hey, this meeting sucks... you know there is a ship full of tea right? Just right there on the harbor! AND...I am pretty sure we could liven this town up a bit by throwing every single barrell of it overboard"! "And we can call it, a tea party haha"!!

Evan: I am going to have to disagree with this anonymous figure that you just created! I don't know who this guy is.. ummmmm but he is being pretty inconsiderate of the fishes. Cuz you got a harbor that tastes like shit, I'm sure the fish don't appreciate it. And in turn, it will change their taste.. then you are changing the whole economy cuz people dont want to buy fish anymore! They aren't going to want to buy "tea tasting" fish! I don't want fish sticks that were dipped in tea!

Jordan: I love fish! I hate tea! But I also like cinnamon... which means nothing! History also says that these men dressed up as american indians before storming the ship and chucking the barrels overboard! Where was the law at when this occured? No police? No British soldiers?? Where was everybody? Maybe they were just standing in a local pub, looking out on the harbor thinking "Ohhh noooo, they're rioting again"! "Maybe we should just let this one go, they look like they are having fun!"

Evan: How is there not a more precise number of how many "indians" are throwing them over? I suppose I could understand, if I am a British soldier, and I see 320 indians on a boat who clearly have as much hate for tea, that I do! But if there is just 30, they are not doing their job, and they are not doing the Brifish any favors! And by Brifish, I mean the British and fish!

Jordan: This was one hell of a party, it was like a costume party/riot! You know come to think of it they must have been drunk because the person that was running the meeting prior to these shinannigans, was Samuel Adams.... yes just like the booze! This party sparked the American Revolution. Who saw that coming? I mean really Britain, it was just tea! You shouldn't try and bring that crap over here because I don't know anybody who likes tea! If anyone was to blame for this party, look in the mirror!

Evan: Long story short, too many people died over tea! I'll bet you why they were grumpy.. cuz they didn't get their tea... one dead person is too many dead persons for tea.. PERRRIOD!

Jordan: "They're throwing out all of our tea you STUPID AYASSSSSS"!!

Friday, March 12, 2010


Ok can someone please explain to me this Papa John guy?? I mean, let me just break down a couple of his commercials....
Commercial number 1- The man throws a football like 60 yards.... totally possible I know, but not for this guy, he is a pizza man, GET REAL! He threw it right on the money too, it was a bomb, I just find it hard to believe he could do that without properly stretching and warming up for a few minutes! He is not going to hop out of his car, deliver a pizza, and then throw a Doug Flutie hail mary right on target... Grow up! and now..........
Commercial number 2-The basketball game scene... what game was he at that they just let him on the court to shoot a commercial? Why was everyone cheering so much? I find it hard to believe he brought enough pizza for everyone as well... i mean, people are going to get pissed if he didn't, I know I would be upset.. but that is neither here nor there! About the commercial, ummmm... did he miss a shot?? No he didn't... GET REAL! He made a half court shot and a three pointer like nothing... again, I find it kind of hard to believe this man carries around so much luck with him! I have made very few half court shots on my first try, and when I say very few I mean like one time, maybe two!
Now friends, you may ask yourself "Jordan, I don't see what the big problem is"... first of all, that isn't even a question! Second of all, I just don't think they should make Papa John out to be some freak athlete! I mean sure he makes a damn good pizza but, GET REAL!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


It was brought to my attention that "The General", yes the icon for the auto-insurance, is actually a driver. EXCUSE ME?! This man can't even see! a) his helmet is too big for his head b) his eyebrows are completely covering his eyes so he can't see, I mean God forbid you trim your eyebrows every once in a while, let alone you shouldn't wait until you cant see anything. Now just why in the hell would I want my insurance company to have an image like that? What is that saying about me?
It is simply stating that "hey, you have the general auto insurance so that means you are an s-h-i-t-t-y driver"! You will be categorized as a "not good driver", you must suck. If that insurance company allows the icon of the establishment to drive while his visibility is at no more than 0%. Look at this damned fool..... moral of the story is, be careful who is representing you, because you will be categorized whether you like it or not!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Fire alarms!

I was just in the zone writing another blog until, to my dismay, I hear a loud beeping! I am like "what is that"? So I pause my music, here the obnoxious noise, I see the silhouettes of people running by my door and the gloom sets in... could this be?? YES! It's a damn fire alarm, we have to now exit the building into the cold weather outside for a while! So whoever pulled that... I'm puttin you on notice and guess what all you ass goblins that pull fire alarms?? You are now on j champaynes axis of evil!
Now friends, where did fire alarms come from? Who is the pioneer/innovator behind this contraption? Well let me just tell you.... Francis Robbins Upton did it in 1890! So yes, Francis Robins Upton, you are now on the axis of evil as well, congratulations! And thank you, for making such a convenient, not loud or annoying at all, piece of plastic with a lever that practically invites damn near everyone who walks by to pull it... it does say "pull down", I mean God forbid we make them boring or disguised so when we walk by we don't have to make a life alternating decision..... "Do I pull this, possibly get caught and commit a federal offense, or just keep walking"??